I am lying here, it’s midnight, I’m struggling to fall asleep. My mind is racing in a hundred directions. Maybe I drank too much coffee today or maybe I just have too much on my mind. Either way, my anxiety is taking over me. I have this horrible feeling of impending doom that I can’t shake. I want to panic, cry, or run in any direction I can find. I feel terrified. The worst part is not knowing why I am terrified or what is happening. I think about my children, and how I love them so unconditionally. I think how broken I would be if anything happened to them or my Husband. I would be lifeless and left to be an empty shell. How would I explain to my kids if we lost my Husband, their amazing Father? How would I explain if I was sick and they could lose me?!
My brain pictures a million horrible, tragic scenarios of my own death or the death of my Husband and babies. I am creating horror movies in my mind and I feel like I am going insane. Why won’t they stop? Why are these thoughts consuming me? Is it my hormones? Is it adrenaline from the day? Or is it the fear of something bad happening because the other shoe has to drop when things are going well? I keep telling myself to stop, slow down, let go, but I can’t shake it. The thoughts keep coming.
I pray to God or the Higher Powers above to please make these thoughts stop. I try deep breathing and distraction, but the thoughts are still present and lurking in the background. All I can do is face them and play them out in my mind. So, I visualize them happening, I feel the fear, the pain, the anxiety, and the grief. I open my eyes and realize I am in bed and this is not really happening. But it feels so real.
I take a deep breath, I tell myself, “I am safe, my babies are safe in their bed, my Husband is asleep safely beside me.” I feel calmer, I take another deep breath and try to rest.
I know this is anxiety, I have faced this before. It is likely triggered by change and the feeling of lack of control. I don’t like change, good or bad. It ungrounds me on so many levels. Right now our family is in the midst of numerous changes in the next month. All good, but still new and still change. Even though I know this is a cycle and I have met this demon before, it is still a scary place to be. Anxiety can be a very dark and lonely place.
Please let this provide you with some comfort in knowing that I am not perfect and there are times that all the techniques in the world can’t shake my anxiety. But the techniques work when you apply them at the right time. Sometimes you need to see your fears through, face them, and meet them before you. But then you need to let them go and say, “I am safe, my family is safe.”
The times that I find are the most difficult for me are times of change or when I am pushing myself too hard, feeling overtired and drained of energy. My body requires movement, rest, spiritual connection, and play in order to feel whole. When I deprive myself of these things or life gets too hectic, my self care falls to the wayside, and the anxiety meets me late at night when I am trying to rest.
There are times we must push forward and take action, but we must remember to take care for ourselves along the way. Come back to yourself, get grounded, reconnect with yourself and your purpose. You will always find comfort there and feel at home.
Brenna
